SOTAC

Ok, title says it all really. I got the letter that says I'm going into Commando BMT for NS. Gobsmacked. Blindsided. Punk'd. I never did thought of myself as commando material, but apparently the powers-that-be in SAF think otherwise, so there I go. Honestly, I'm excited about it. Its the bleeding COMMANDOS for goodness sakes! That doesn't mean I'm not worried sick about the physical and mental requirements. I love my food, and it shows...prominently. As for my mental fortitude, not great. Discipline and perseverance are things I've always prayed to possess. Still praying now.

So yeah, its a mixed bag.

My parents do not care for it. I know they won't make my life difficult if I decide to go ahead (and let's be honest, its not like I can get out anyway), but they're not thrilled, especially my dad. But they can't do anything. They can't do what most Singaporean parents do and find some lame excuse to get their kids to twang (you can tell what's my opinion on people like that) because...well, they're not that sort of folks. So, its kinda ironic that after lambasting parents who not only try to dig a way out of NS, but also get self-righteous and try to justify their actions, my parents are now faced the same problem. They would have simply threw me into normal NS without any complaints, but with the Commandos? Not so easy. I know they'll be worried for me while I'm in camp, hell, they know me well enough that its not going to be easy on me. For that, I really can't fault them.

Personally, I'm just going to start preparing for it now. Doing situps, pushups and pullups every night. Xiaokang says I should run, but with As this close, thats not a possibility for now. But there's not much I can do to prepare mentally for it. Its going to be my worse NCC training experiences multiplied through every single day. Imagine all the Best-cadet-competition in my past 4 years, now done everyday. Physique is barely 40% of what gets you through, trust me. I don't want to get in and get kicked out halfway. For once, can I please be good at something, God?

Haha! No pressure, man.



On other fronts, Farewell Assembly! Ok, nothing impressive, some hilarious videos, Mr Adi proving he's not quite an adult, the usual gratitious photo taking etc. Have to stop and comment on that last bit. I've developed a preference for taking photos of my friends when they're not posing. They just look more...relaxed, natural, at ease, when they laugh, smile and grin without posing. Of course, all of them worry that they look unglam, but I do vet through my stuff. I try my best not to keep those that don't look good for the subject. Still, I'm reluctant to keep doing it this way. I'm well aware that others might feel like I'm some sort of paparrazi idiot, taking photos of them in their unguarded moments. One of these days, my luck's going to run out, and someone will get fed up and give me a piece of his mind.... But I really do think you guys look good unposed.

So anyway, I took a photo of each and every one in the class on that day. Almost everyone anyway. Hopefully, they'll like what I took, and it'll no longer be just a photo of them, but a portrait they can admire.

Stopped by the Art exibition after the reception. Hanyu's storyboards were really good. Lines and strong water colors. I was very, very impressed. All I can do is shade lightly with a pencil, or darkly with a pen. Nothing else in between. Hahaha! And people get impressed by my doodles. The exibits also let us into the creation process, the thoughts, considerations and research each student put into their work. Errr....no offense meant, but I found those more interesting for some reason. Ok, put it this way. I could draw a rifle that looks more impressive than your...errr flower. But beyond the superficial looks, mine is meaningless, lifeless. Their's have weeks of efforts and focus to express a certain purpose. Damn, it really puts things into perspective.

Oh, and Vivien forgot a patch on her artwork. Hahaha!
Erm...not sure if its wise to announce it here...

SO LOOOOOONG!

Ok, really long time since I last posted. Righto....

Its A Levels in about 3 weeks. Now, that is really bloody terrifying, and although things have improved (I only sorta failed Chem, all other H2s have a shot at an A), I'm still not sure. My Chem simply has too many gaps in my knowledge, and I'm really afraid I won't be able to shore it up in time, let alone practice it. Lets see...Transistion Metals, Grp II, Grp VII, Periodicity, Nitrogen Compounds, all pretty piss poor. Just gotta bite down and deal with it. Wish me luck.

On another note, I've developed a taste for heavy metal (shock!). Iron Man, Paranoid, Ace Of Spades, For Whom The Bell Tolls. Ear worms for the foreseeable future. Though, there is Bloodbank by Bon Iver, but that;s mostly for the catchy bass riff. Sorry Vivien, your liking for alternative genre really is pretty eclectic. Even by my standards, hahaha! Of course, can't not mention Thousand Suns by Linkin Park, but since I haven't got my dirty paws on it yet, I can't really comment.

And on dirty paws laying, I've been on a spending spree on Black Tact. A revolver, a 1911, and a compact P222, an IBH helmet. Ok, found out that I don't like compact pistols, so who wants a modded, weighted, painted P222? Xiangan, of course, has first dibs. Oh, and he got himself a Nerf Stampede (finally), though he now owes me $30. The guy is Spending with a capital S. Wings of Liberty ($100+) and now a $90+ Nerf... not that I'm any better :D

I love my GP. Really I do. I'm done being afraid of sounding like I'm bragging, I just gonna say it straight. I love being good at something. Its a feeling I could certainly get used to. At least its a useful skill, not like being able to play Halo. BUT, its a huge pressure on me to do well in it. That pedestal is high and precarious, and I wished it wasn't so lonely... For example, I read a Noam Chomsky essay today about USA Imperialism, and was struck by how similar the country is with... Albus Dumbledore (cue ppl going WTF? Sorry lads, been reading too much Fanfiction) I mean, both were heroes in some old war (WW2 VS Grindlewald & Tom Riddle), both have a penchant for having their way at the expense of other, both are pretty much a law onto themselves... I was so excited by this line of thought, I really wanted to discuss it with somebody. Of course, I couldn't. They'll just shake their heads and think I'm bloody weird, so.... But dammit, I wished I could bounce this silly nonsense off someone. That's why I miss Wesley. We could talk all sorts of pseudo-intellectual BS together and not feel self conscious about it. No one equivalent now. Now, I'm just this crazy guy who is supposed to get top in GP everytime. It scared the crap out of me when Mr Koh said there were 1 or 2 surprises in the GP Prelims. In my head, I was going "CRAP! I'm the surprise right? BuggerBuggerBugger!Bzzzzt. Windows has encountered an error it was unable to recover from..." This can't be good for my long term health. Yes, it sounds like I'm bragging, and I apologise. I just really want to get it off my chest.

Ye, ok, this post is long enough. I'll write more something later.

I'm closing my eyes and hitting the "Publish Post" button...

My Dad once told me that blogs were pretty useless, considering that they consisted mostly (if not entirely) of the author’s rambling about his own life. Taking a step back, its laughably easy to see how narcissistic mine has become. It may had been my objective at the start to reveal the inner-Christopher (what an artsy-fartsy concept), but, firstly, I’m pretty sure none of the readers would like to read 12 long paragraphs going on and on about moi, and secondly, call me selfish, but why should I reveal so much about myself anyway? Why let others read me like an open book? Especially when others are (justifiably) not quite so forthcoming. Anyway, all these words are pointless, because if you’re the sort of person who skips the rambling parts, you’d most likely have skipped the above as well. Hahaha!

Kelvin once told me that I judged others harshly because I judge myself harshly as well. I have no idea if the latter’s true. No amount of harsh judgment seems to have galvanized me to buck up, and I still find myself lacking in too many moments. Perhaps I’m just a milder version of Wesley Phay, who loves to admit his faults but never does a thing about them (when he reads this, he’ll nod and admit it…and then do nothing *roll eyes*) Is that false humility? Again, I haven’t a clue, though my safer bet would be that it is. AAAnyway, one thing I can definitely say for sure, I DO judge others harshly. Evangeline pops straight into my mind. When working with her, I get a little miffed due to our different styles. I’m the more serious, wet-blanket type whereas she leans towards happy-go-lucky-ness. Total catastrophic mismatch. When things are less formal though, I love talking crazy crap with her, because she’s naturally full of crazy crap as well (XD).

Paranoia seems to be creeping in. For example, I am secretly convinced that if any of the SFC personnel were to read the above paragraph on Evan, they would go back, gossip amongst themselves, tattle to her and diss the living daylights out of me. Unnecessary fear? I totally agree. I find most of them far more mature than that. But that’s why paranoia is called…paranoia. Or the times when the Lifecon Logo, Audition Posters and flyers got delayed? Yep, always at the back of mind nagging at my guilt, quietly whispering that I’ve eff-ed up irreversibly and that I’m no longer reliable. Kinda like Toyota. Ye, ye, people will say good job at cleaning up the mess you created, but my benchmark (excuse me, actually its everyone’s EXPECTED benchmark) is not to create a last minute mess in the first place.

OR (I don’t seem to be short on examples), when I gave the presentation on the Work Attachment at TTSH, while one group member went AWOL and the other was…erm detached? Ok, never mind the latter one. Again, nagging feeling of being used, though this time its probably justified. This attachment, which I invited you at your own leisure (and therefore not have to go through some selection process and then be at the mercies of the vagaries of luck), should at least have been appreciated as a learning experience, even if it totally shatters your pre-held beliefs of the medical profession. Not turning up without leave was rude. Seriously man, next time just throw me a reason, an excuse even. Not doing so shows how unimportant this is to you, and therefore I WILL take it as a personal insult. Again, nagging feeling that others are laughing behind my back for being suckered at sharing the opportunity. Hmmm…this time though, my gut tells me this paranoid thought may have uncomfortably more truth in it than most of my other paranoid thoughts.

I guess I’ll end here. The conflicting desires for cathartic release and privacy have fought to a standstill, which indicates its time to close. I’ll probably see you around, so may I make a request? Next time we meet, let me know you’ve read it. At least I’ll know who are the regulars (and therefore filter future content, hahaha!).

Prolonged drought. Dry spell.

Must have lost interest. A more major issue is the feeling of exposing too much. It just doesn’t feel comfortable when others seem to read you like an open book, while you feel bad that you don’t really know as much about them. Only the fact that it’s a new year motivates me to update the blog, since everyone else seems to be doing the obligatory New-year-reflecting-on-past-year thing. Oh well, here’s to opening cans of worms…

First on my list, is the final unraveling of the issue between me and Jolene. After 6 months of erm….generally poor (I first toyed with the terms “silent”, “cold”, etc, and nearly settled for “bad”) treatment, there has finally been a number of peace conferences. Non-binding agreements have been made for the thawing of diplomatic relations. Mr Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL (XD). I offered the big olive branch of TTSH work attachment, and fortunately it was accepted. I’m kinda stuck though… She said she didn’t want to be rushed into reconciliation (the stronger term she used was “forced”, which REALLY makes me feel bad. As in the “Oh crap, I’ve killed someone” kind of bad. I even had a cold chill tingle down my spine…Did I really deserve that?)

I’m feeling as if I’ve given my part (and time! It’s A-Levels soon!) to build bridges. I suspect she has too. Honestly, while its not exactly very in-the-spirit-of-teamwork, I think I can just leave it. I can live with it, and I’m sure SFC won’t be paralyzed by it, without friends constantly digging this out as an example of disunity within the club. Yes, I know there wasn't any finger pointing during the little group therapy session, but there was at least 1 person in the room who can’t escape referencing, however misguidedly, to this little problem.

And that’s all I have time for. Bearing in mind that this blog is anything but private, and that Jolene may also be reading (Since I seldom dare to say it in real life, HI!), I hope to escape getting lynched. But seriously, I’m glad things have thawed. There is more SMS traffic between us now, which may or may not translate to actual dialogue. Perhaps what comes next will be candid-and-honest-discussions? The end of the invisible act (ok, fine, I’m guilty of that as well)? I’m uncomfortable, slightly afraid and out of my depth when dealing with this. (not to mention guilty for coming across as forceful. I’ve unwittingly joined the ranks of stalkers. Hoo-bleeding-ray) *resigned laughter* Still, things are looking up, so...*shrugs*, live with it.

HEAD!! HURTS!!

Had another migraine episode this Friday afternoon, mostly thanks to waking early and only having one plate of Hokkien Mee as breakfast and lunch. My mum says if I get migraines this easily, it’ll be hard for me to be a pilot, since they’ll have to handle even more strain. Honestly, I’m half-convinced my current physical health won’t hold up to those RSAF medical checkups. Considering I failed the basic one for SYFC, I think the actual Air Force one is going to be a foregone conclusion. Sigh… Oh well, if so, then I’ll try SIA instead. Surely, THEIR pilots won’t have to pass multiple G force tests? Right?

I’ve been having dreams centered on a recurring theme. Unfortunately, the security and privacy of this blog has been compromised, so I can’t be forthcoming with the details. Anyway, had you ever had a dream where something bad occurred, and for a while after you woke up, you still thought it really happened? I once dreamt I crashed my dad’s car, so for a full 30 minutes after I woke up I thought I had to take a train to school, until I saw it resting in the driveway, quite intact. The recent dreams have that sort of quality, but the unfortunate incident depicted in them, while not as physically catastrophic as a thoroughly thrashed vehicle, was so haunting that I couldn’t shake off its effects for a long time.

Now, I read somewhere that dreams are supposed to be a reflection of a person’s subconscious thoughts and desires. Regarding the episode portrayed in the dream, I’ve told myself to get a grip, move on, let it lie fallow and let things recover. But evidently, my subconscious is resigned that things are truly irreparable. I suppose it has gone pear-shaped, so much so that I’m not even on Square one right now, but Square negative-something. The most frustrating thing is, I haven’t a clue where to start working to make things right. (I think) God told me not to do anything for now, which is a smart idea, as I’ll probably be doing the wrong thing if I tried. Still, being stuck in such a lousy situation, not knowing if things will ever work out the way I want…I guess that’s him testing my faith and patience. Is his will and my wants aligned on this matter? And if they're not, what in the world am I going do?

Sad, really. Even now, the scene keeps playing over and over in my head, like those annoying display TVs in Harvey Norman. And simply entertaining the thought that it could actually happen in real life…ouch.

On a lighter note, I watched Advent Children on Channel 5. Seriously, it’s purely targeted for the fanboys. Anyone unacquainted with the FF7 universe will not understand anything. Trust me, I found out the hard way. I had to read the plot over Wikipedia after I first watched it. Anyway, it reinforces a theory of mine, that NO CHARACTER EVER TRULY DIES IN ANIME. Aerith keeps appearing in annoying flashbacks, where the camera insists on not showing her face and Cloud is mouthing emo lines about how he let her die. Come on, she’s suppose to be dead, about the most non-interactive state of character existence possible. But no! She gets more screen time then Barett, Sid, Rufus, Vincent, Yazu etc. She probably got more screen time than Sephiroth…which just shouldn’t happen! But, hey, if the fanboys want to see 3rd generation graphics Miss Gainsborough and Miss Lockhart, well you can’t argue with them can you? Fan-service FTW…

In His and Her Majesty(ies)'s Service

My mouth…is getting me into trouble almost every time I open it! First I was rude to a teacher, then I was rude the VP, then I was rude to the ex-P and VP (again!). I only ever remember to watch what I say just before I decide to stay quiet, or just after I said something stupid, never any other times. Some may say its no big deal, but it always leaves a horrid impression on others, which does my standing in school absolutely no good. I wish I could run my mouth off and not beat myself up over saying something awful every time I do so. Rarrgh! How annoying.

Oh yes, I just marked out a rival. Haha, yes that’s a word with plenty of negative connotations, but hear me out. The rival (henceforth referred to as R) has brains…well a sufficient mass of it to keep R in sight of the cookies. R has ambitions, big ones, and are similar to mine. R possesses qualities I don’t, eccentricities that mark R out as distinctly unique. Fortunately, they make R endearing, whereas mine make me…weirder. Hopefully, I can surpass R in the academic arena (at the very least), because in all other aspects, I find myself lacking. This isn’t a competition where one wins and the other loses. I see it as running side by side, pacing one another. If I fall behind, I’ll fight to catch up. If he slows down, I’d push R on (assuming R doesn’t mind). Otherwise, it’d be boring going it alone.

Chamomile tea is probably a drug, like opium and cocaine. I was getting a particularly bad earful thanks to SAJC’s policy of making everyone stay back so they can take the MSA at the same time. Then I drank a cup of the stuff. Maybe someone swapped it for a flask of liquid Feel-Okay, or spiked it with animal tranquilizer. Whatever it was, I felt my muscles relax, starting from my mouth, to my forehead and then to my chest. Seriously, I know chamomile is known for its soothing properties, but this is plain ridiculous. The Mood-o-meter needle swung from Quite-Angry to Silly-Laughter. Ah, the power of gastronomical delights…

While on the subject of food, I just learned how to make Korean pancakes. Its real simple, pretty cheap, and certainly a less labor intensive alternative to fried instant noodles. Of course though, I don’t put kimchii in MY pancakes. Nothing against the Koreans, but I don’t like vegetables, and I can’t take hot stuff. So, its not a stretch to say that I really don’t like spicy vegetables. Anyway, from Korean pancakes, I can probably make the more usual McDonald’s pancakes as well, and to an extent, anything that comes from a batter and can be pan-fried. Still, I’m waiting to have a go at brownies and some kind of macaroni-cream of mushroom-chicken-cheese dish my mum cooks. Haha! Self-improvement FTW!

Recently had an MSN conversation with Wesley Phay. I love arguing with him. He’s obviously been taking the time to read up on various subjects which are pretty Extra-Curricular, and I try to rebut as best I can. So far, no one’s winning, and I’m glad its been that way. Nevertheless, while I respect his views, I JUST CAN”T STAND HIM BEING SO FRIKKIN EMO. I mean why do you want to keep indulging in fatalistic ideas, perpetual cynicism and blind anti-establishment sentiments? I’m half convinced he’s still wallowing in self-pity (which Lord knows, I’ve done a lot of times). I personally know there’s a perverse sense of satisfaction in thinking that you don’t matter to the larger world, which in turn doesn’t matter to the universe, which doesn’t matter to reality, which doesn’t matter. I’m not trying to attack his views, I’m trying to say his motivation for subscribing to them are misplaced. But whatever… I can’t do anything to change that other than pray and wait. I still think he’ll make a fantastic Christian. Oh yes, and I’m thinking of getting him a Korean passport since he’s starting to look like one, with his long hair, baby face and fashion sense.

And I came across Evangeline’s blog. I’m starting to think it’s the GUYS who blog the most. Her last post was in June…Not as bad as how frequently I update my deviantart account (actually, nothing close to it, 1.5 years vs 1.5 months).

Softball FTW

Been playing softball for PE quite often, which I enjoy, despite the general relative lack of enthusiasm in the class. Its great to be whacking balls again, and some of the SFC people are going to have a softball game next Tuesday, if time allows. Curiously enough, although the sport focuses on leg and arm muscle, I seem to be straining muscles nowhere connected to the aforementioned areas. By some incredible feat of bio-locomotion, it is my arse muscles which feel sore. Weird.

I know my behavior in SFC has been rather cold lately. 2 factors contributed to this. The 1st and (relatively) minor one, is that we’ve been staying back late this whole week. Next week is when MSA 2 starts, and with my abysmal CT results, my parents are not overly thrilled. I have been going home to smarting earfuls this whole week, so every time SFC proposes a late meeting, I curse and swear about my lack of luck silently. I recognize that it is my fault for messing up (I’m using the polite term) my studies and setting this sordid state of affairs in motion, so I can’t lash out at anything to bash into little chunky pieces. Still, with the heavy and ominous smell of blood and thunder wafting in from my near future, I think I can be forgiven for being a little less than a bag of joy most of the time.

So sick of trying to act sensible and mature. I’ve got to indulge in angst and emo-ism sometimes, which unfortunately, actually tastes pretty good.