My Dad once told me that blogs were pretty useless, considering that they consisted mostly (if not entirely) of the author’s rambling about his own life. Taking a step back, its laughably easy to see how narcissistic mine has become. It may had been my objective at the start to reveal the inner-Christopher (what an artsy-fartsy concept), but, firstly, I’m pretty sure none of the readers would like to read 12 long paragraphs going on and on about moi, and secondly, call me selfish, but why should I reveal so much about myself anyway? Why let others read me like an open book? Especially when others are (justifiably) not quite so forthcoming. Anyway, all these words are pointless, because if you’re the sort of person who skips the rambling parts, you’d most likely have skipped the above as well. Hahaha!
Kelvin once told me that I judged others harshly because I judge myself harshly as well. I have no idea if the latter’s true. No amount of harsh judgment seems to have galvanized me to buck up, and I still find myself lacking in too many moments. Perhaps I’m just a milder version of Wesley Phay, who loves to admit his faults but never does a thing about them (when he reads this, he’ll nod and admit it…and then do nothing *roll eyes*) Is that false humility? Again, I haven’t a clue, though my safer bet would be that it is. AAAnyway, one thing I can definitely say for sure, I DO judge others harshly. Evangeline pops straight into my mind. When working with her, I get a little miffed due to our different styles. I’m the more serious, wet-blanket type whereas she leans towards happy-go-lucky-ness. Total catastrophic mismatch. When things are less formal though, I love talking crazy crap with her, because she’s naturally full of crazy crap as well (XD).
Paranoia seems to be creeping in. For example, I am secretly convinced that if any of the SFC personnel were to read the above paragraph on Evan, they would go back, gossip amongst themselves, tattle to her and diss the living daylights out of me. Unnecessary fear? I totally agree. I find most of them far more mature than that. But that’s why paranoia is called…paranoia. Or the times when the Lifecon Logo, Audition Posters and flyers got delayed? Yep, always at the back of mind nagging at my guilt, quietly whispering that I’ve eff-ed up irreversibly and that I’m no longer reliable. Kinda like Toyota. Ye, ye, people will say good job at cleaning up the mess you created, but my benchmark (excuse me, actually its everyone’s EXPECTED benchmark) is not to create a last minute mess in the first place.
OR (I don’t seem to be short on examples), when I gave the presentation on the Work Attachment at TTSH, while one group member went AWOL and the other was…erm detached? Ok, never mind the latter one. Again, nagging feeling of being used, though this time its probably justified. This attachment, which I invited you at your own leisure (and therefore not have to go through some selection process and then be at the mercies of the vagaries of luck), should at least have been appreciated as a learning experience, even if it totally shatters your pre-held beliefs of the medical profession. Not turning up without leave was rude. Seriously man, next time just throw me a reason, an excuse even. Not doing so shows how unimportant this is to you, and therefore I WILL take it as a personal insult. Again, nagging feeling that others are laughing behind my back for being suckered at sharing the opportunity. Hmmm…this time though, my gut tells me this paranoid thought may have uncomfortably more truth in it than most of my other paranoid thoughts.
I guess I’ll end here. The conflicting desires for cathartic release and privacy have fought to a standstill, which indicates its time to close. I’ll probably see you around, so may I make a request? Next time we meet, let me know you’ve read it. At least I’ll know who are the regulars (and therefore filter future content, hahaha!).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment