HEAD!! HURTS!!

Had another migraine episode this Friday afternoon, mostly thanks to waking early and only having one plate of Hokkien Mee as breakfast and lunch. My mum says if I get migraines this easily, it’ll be hard for me to be a pilot, since they’ll have to handle even more strain. Honestly, I’m half-convinced my current physical health won’t hold up to those RSAF medical checkups. Considering I failed the basic one for SYFC, I think the actual Air Force one is going to be a foregone conclusion. Sigh… Oh well, if so, then I’ll try SIA instead. Surely, THEIR pilots won’t have to pass multiple G force tests? Right?

I’ve been having dreams centered on a recurring theme. Unfortunately, the security and privacy of this blog has been compromised, so I can’t be forthcoming with the details. Anyway, had you ever had a dream where something bad occurred, and for a while after you woke up, you still thought it really happened? I once dreamt I crashed my dad’s car, so for a full 30 minutes after I woke up I thought I had to take a train to school, until I saw it resting in the driveway, quite intact. The recent dreams have that sort of quality, but the unfortunate incident depicted in them, while not as physically catastrophic as a thoroughly thrashed vehicle, was so haunting that I couldn’t shake off its effects for a long time.

Now, I read somewhere that dreams are supposed to be a reflection of a person’s subconscious thoughts and desires. Regarding the episode portrayed in the dream, I’ve told myself to get a grip, move on, let it lie fallow and let things recover. But evidently, my subconscious is resigned that things are truly irreparable. I suppose it has gone pear-shaped, so much so that I’m not even on Square one right now, but Square negative-something. The most frustrating thing is, I haven’t a clue where to start working to make things right. (I think) God told me not to do anything for now, which is a smart idea, as I’ll probably be doing the wrong thing if I tried. Still, being stuck in such a lousy situation, not knowing if things will ever work out the way I want…I guess that’s him testing my faith and patience. Is his will and my wants aligned on this matter? And if they're not, what in the world am I going do?

Sad, really. Even now, the scene keeps playing over and over in my head, like those annoying display TVs in Harvey Norman. And simply entertaining the thought that it could actually happen in real life…ouch.

On a lighter note, I watched Advent Children on Channel 5. Seriously, it’s purely targeted for the fanboys. Anyone unacquainted with the FF7 universe will not understand anything. Trust me, I found out the hard way. I had to read the plot over Wikipedia after I first watched it. Anyway, it reinforces a theory of mine, that NO CHARACTER EVER TRULY DIES IN ANIME. Aerith keeps appearing in annoying flashbacks, where the camera insists on not showing her face and Cloud is mouthing emo lines about how he let her die. Come on, she’s suppose to be dead, about the most non-interactive state of character existence possible. But no! She gets more screen time then Barett, Sid, Rufus, Vincent, Yazu etc. She probably got more screen time than Sephiroth…which just shouldn’t happen! But, hey, if the fanboys want to see 3rd generation graphics Miss Gainsborough and Miss Lockhart, well you can’t argue with them can you? Fan-service FTW…

In His and Her Majesty(ies)'s Service

My mouth…is getting me into trouble almost every time I open it! First I was rude to a teacher, then I was rude the VP, then I was rude to the ex-P and VP (again!). I only ever remember to watch what I say just before I decide to stay quiet, or just after I said something stupid, never any other times. Some may say its no big deal, but it always leaves a horrid impression on others, which does my standing in school absolutely no good. I wish I could run my mouth off and not beat myself up over saying something awful every time I do so. Rarrgh! How annoying.

Oh yes, I just marked out a rival. Haha, yes that’s a word with plenty of negative connotations, but hear me out. The rival (henceforth referred to as R) has brains…well a sufficient mass of it to keep R in sight of the cookies. R has ambitions, big ones, and are similar to mine. R possesses qualities I don’t, eccentricities that mark R out as distinctly unique. Fortunately, they make R endearing, whereas mine make me…weirder. Hopefully, I can surpass R in the academic arena (at the very least), because in all other aspects, I find myself lacking. This isn’t a competition where one wins and the other loses. I see it as running side by side, pacing one another. If I fall behind, I’ll fight to catch up. If he slows down, I’d push R on (assuming R doesn’t mind). Otherwise, it’d be boring going it alone.

Chamomile tea is probably a drug, like opium and cocaine. I was getting a particularly bad earful thanks to SAJC’s policy of making everyone stay back so they can take the MSA at the same time. Then I drank a cup of the stuff. Maybe someone swapped it for a flask of liquid Feel-Okay, or spiked it with animal tranquilizer. Whatever it was, I felt my muscles relax, starting from my mouth, to my forehead and then to my chest. Seriously, I know chamomile is known for its soothing properties, but this is plain ridiculous. The Mood-o-meter needle swung from Quite-Angry to Silly-Laughter. Ah, the power of gastronomical delights…

While on the subject of food, I just learned how to make Korean pancakes. Its real simple, pretty cheap, and certainly a less labor intensive alternative to fried instant noodles. Of course though, I don’t put kimchii in MY pancakes. Nothing against the Koreans, but I don’t like vegetables, and I can’t take hot stuff. So, its not a stretch to say that I really don’t like spicy vegetables. Anyway, from Korean pancakes, I can probably make the more usual McDonald’s pancakes as well, and to an extent, anything that comes from a batter and can be pan-fried. Still, I’m waiting to have a go at brownies and some kind of macaroni-cream of mushroom-chicken-cheese dish my mum cooks. Haha! Self-improvement FTW!

Recently had an MSN conversation with Wesley Phay. I love arguing with him. He’s obviously been taking the time to read up on various subjects which are pretty Extra-Curricular, and I try to rebut as best I can. So far, no one’s winning, and I’m glad its been that way. Nevertheless, while I respect his views, I JUST CAN”T STAND HIM BEING SO FRIKKIN EMO. I mean why do you want to keep indulging in fatalistic ideas, perpetual cynicism and blind anti-establishment sentiments? I’m half convinced he’s still wallowing in self-pity (which Lord knows, I’ve done a lot of times). I personally know there’s a perverse sense of satisfaction in thinking that you don’t matter to the larger world, which in turn doesn’t matter to the universe, which doesn’t matter to reality, which doesn’t matter. I’m not trying to attack his views, I’m trying to say his motivation for subscribing to them are misplaced. But whatever… I can’t do anything to change that other than pray and wait. I still think he’ll make a fantastic Christian. Oh yes, and I’m thinking of getting him a Korean passport since he’s starting to look like one, with his long hair, baby face and fashion sense.

And I came across Evangeline’s blog. I’m starting to think it’s the GUYS who blog the most. Her last post was in June…Not as bad as how frequently I update my deviantart account (actually, nothing close to it, 1.5 years vs 1.5 months).

Softball FTW

Been playing softball for PE quite often, which I enjoy, despite the general relative lack of enthusiasm in the class. Its great to be whacking balls again, and some of the SFC people are going to have a softball game next Tuesday, if time allows. Curiously enough, although the sport focuses on leg and arm muscle, I seem to be straining muscles nowhere connected to the aforementioned areas. By some incredible feat of bio-locomotion, it is my arse muscles which feel sore. Weird.

I know my behavior in SFC has been rather cold lately. 2 factors contributed to this. The 1st and (relatively) minor one, is that we’ve been staying back late this whole week. Next week is when MSA 2 starts, and with my abysmal CT results, my parents are not overly thrilled. I have been going home to smarting earfuls this whole week, so every time SFC proposes a late meeting, I curse and swear about my lack of luck silently. I recognize that it is my fault for messing up (I’m using the polite term) my studies and setting this sordid state of affairs in motion, so I can’t lash out at anything to bash into little chunky pieces. Still, with the heavy and ominous smell of blood and thunder wafting in from my near future, I think I can be forgiven for being a little less than a bag of joy most of the time.

So sick of trying to act sensible and mature. I’ve got to indulge in angst and emo-ism sometimes, which unfortunately, actually tastes pretty good.

Goodness...how long has been since the last post?

Been tossing around the fact that I couldn’t make it for Hillsong Concert. While I had legitimate reasons (quarantine and potentially-killer-OCIP-camp-which-was-postponed-last-minute), it now seems like a flimsy excuse. Presenting exhibits A and B: JTsy and Ek. The former was quarantined AND had OCIP camp, the latter just OCIP camp. But they went anyway. Evidently, my spiritual enthusiasm is not as robust as theirs. For better or for worse, I don’t seem to mind. Maybe because of how my parents raised me up, I always thought of God as a brutally fair judge, but having infinite grace nonetheless. He metes out exactly what one deserves, whether now or in the future. No sin, however small, goes unpunished, and no kind act, however anonymous, goes unrewarded. When he strikes down on sinners, he strikes hard and sure, and its always scary to watch. But he always leaves you a way out to repent and change. I messed up academically, and he dished out what I deserved. But he saw fit to remind me that he was always nearby, around the corner, by placing me in mission schools. Its as if he’s constantly telling me that he’s there to help me out of the hole I dug, that he’s actually IN the hole with me. Brutally fair, infinite grace.

Which is probably why I seldom subscribe to all these prosperity themes in worship. Yes, God will grant you bountiful blessings, help you when you’re down and out, protect you etc. But he also demands a code of conduct, a path of discipleship, and failing to do so will have consequences, immediate and long-term. And simply waiting for him to pick you up isn’t going to work. He saw fit to give us freewill, letting us make the final choice when we choose to sin. He’ll also see to it that, come crunch time, it’s up to us to repent and change as well. Hahaha! I guess that’s why I’m not cut out for youth ministries…Not a lot of sunshine in my views.

Xiangan blogged about being a lone wolf (yes, that’s how far I’ve fallen behind times). I share that exact same feeling. Morning worship is both a bittersweet experience, sweet because I get to spend time with God, (kind of) bitter because I’m reminded that I don’t belong to any other conversational/interest groups other than the Jo-Ker group (comprising of me and X only). I prefer to talk to people one-to-one, instead of in a group, where I just clamp up. Even then, there’s not an abundant number of people who share my interests. With girls, our common ground is zilch. (Other than Celine, who shares some common interest in Japanese music) With guys….I dropped out of the anime and manga forum, so that’s out. Computer games, yes, but how much can you talk about that? And ever since WPCW and TWF went off, I’ve no one to talk to about drawing. W40k….nearly no one in SAJC knows about it. Cooking….not unless I was REALLY desperate for a conversational topic. Books…never tried. Studies…an unfortunately precious minority, not to mention it’s a dry, DRY conversation. Theology…starts arguments and makes me look pretentious. Miniatures…sad, sad few. Military stuff…so far only Xiangan. And I don’t like to discuss that openly in front of others, because they’ll think I’m some sort of sad, gun otaku junkie. History…never tried either.

I guess I am an old, boring fart? Hahaha! And my mum thinks that I spend my whole day in school hooking up girls. She evidently finds me more interesting than they do.

Busy

Title sums up the situation. I have to…

1. Do the National Day cloth montage
2. Study extra hard for MSA and Promotion Exams
3. Settle all the logistics for the contributors Christian Mission Week
4. Arrange venues for rehearsals for CMW
5. Design SFC T-shirt
6. Go for OCIP camp 23rd and 24th July

Most of the above need to be done before the end of July. Things are going to get HECTIC, and I can tell I’m starting to get impatient. I just cursed my laptop viciously after it took 5 minutes to load up Word. Sigh…gone were the days when computers were low-tech enough that physical violence was enough to dispel most technical issues.
Fortunately, the stupid-statement saga seems to be resolving itself pretty nicely, so I’m hoping that as time goes by, the miraculous thing called selective amnesia will cause everyone to forget it ever happened, thus sparing me future embarrassment. But either way, that’s one issue dealt with, and 6 new ones to handle. I wish myself lots of luck.
WPCW told me that I really judged my friends and classmates very harshly. I supposed its true. They do things I don’t agree with, like not singing the national anthem, having early BGR etc. But I try not to tell them off or make them change. I’m more than aware that my worldview and values are seldom the same as my peers, so instead of trying to impose them on others, I just let them know what I feel. After that, you’re free to make your own choices and learn things your own way. Of course though, if I truly care for somebody, I should be trying to correct him, and not just shrugging my arms, standing aside and helplessly voicing disapproval. But it more often than not strains the relationship so badly that advice is simply ignored or vehemently rejected, which is why I don’t do so. Hahaha, if measured by that yardstick, I guess I don’t really give a hoot about most of my friends then. How ironic.
SFC’s leadership handover is drawing close, and the impression that the 2 leading actresses are going to get the top 2 posts is getting ever stronger. They’ve been handed big responsibilities since CU Camp, and now they’re pretty much in charged of Open House and CMW. I wish them good luck, because they’ll not just be inheriting a CCA, but the responsibility of the entire school’s spiritual health. For me, I’ll be taking up saikang duties again. Like the first 3 lines in The Who’s Baba O’riley, “Out there in the fields, I fight for my meals. I get my back into my living.” I’ll just focus on getting things done, quietly and efficiently, leaving the envisioning and theme-making to those who are called to. Too strong a sense of practicality, not enough spirit, me.
Still, get an impression that the seniors think I’m immature and flippant. Sigh, spent too much time with Xiangan, Shane and Samuel. Which is why I’m dedicating a lot into the T-shirt and Logistic Head duties. I need to show my dead cold serious side. For goodness sakes, I didn’t make it to Staff Sergeant by talking nonsense the whole bleeding day.

Score 2 points for narcissism.

Spamming Links

Things aren’t going too well on this end. But hey, we Chinese have a saying, which literally translated word for word, means wind and water take turns to switch course. If things are going good, it will get worse later. And vice versa. This, however, is not an excuse for one to sit by and do nothing, hoping things will change around him. I’ve started re-evaluating some of my actions and policies, redirecting energy to aft and port shields etc etc. And no, I’m not sharing the snags I’ve encountered recently, unless you enjoy Schadenfreude humor. Either way, just want to apologize that I’ve have little cheerful things to blog about for the moment.

I read Wesley Phay’s latest post on finding information on the net. As usual, very good and thoughtful stuff. I recommend students looking for project material to read through it, since he lists down a handful of useful search engines. He’s obviously been surfing the web more than I have, after all he IS an ex-Computer-Service member. Also, as usual, he can’t help letting out a bit of anti-establishment feeling in it. Personally, I use NLB’s electronic database to look for materials. I don’t have to sift through the usual nonsense Google would invariably give, but beware, a lot of the stuff in those databases make for dry, dry, DRY reading. But their quality and depth are miles better than Google’s assorted collection of results. Read up on WPCW’s post anyway, and make your own way.

I must, again, watch my mouth. Recently said something that, in hindsight, would make an entire hall of people wince, smack their foreheads, LOL, and chorus “Waliao!” It is THAT lame, stupid and cold (in the funny way). Will now dig a hole and hide in it until the next Ice Age (the movie, not the geographical event).

Have decided to get an acoustic guitar instead of a classical. Somehow, I think the former sounds richer/fresher/cleaner, but what do I know about the mystic arts of guitars? Apparently, everyone recommends the basement shops of Excelsior something (plaza/square etc) when looking for guitars. Irony is, when I went there this last Sunday to buy a classical guitar high E string, only ONE shop stocked it. This certainly motivated me to jump to the acoustic guitar boat. Also, have learned how to play House of the Rising Sun on classical. Yes, a pretty old song (obscure to most of my friends), but my taste in music has never been very mainstream anyway.

So yeah, this is me being cheerful and doing an “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”.

Blister On My Thumb

Blister developed after the informal guitar lesson by Shane and Victor today, with Xiangan, Celine, Celeste and Chris Lai. Shane taught me the cheat-chords for G, E, C and D, and Victor taught me the Mexican-ish “Looyee” piece. Unfortunately, President Rachel expressed disapproval, so I can’t use play it, at least not in front of the titular person anyway. Throughout the whole thing, I almost never played on my own guitar, because I had restrung it into a left-hand configuration and the high E string had snapped. Anyway, I intend to buy a new guitar once I’ve accumulated enough Glorified Dirty Paper (A.k.a GDP). Still, not sure if I should get an acoustic or a classical one though…

Dammit, considering that I’ve been giving my classmates cards during their birthdays, nearly no one knew yesterday was my birthday. Hahaha! Guess my street cred isn’t anywhere high enough. That’s why I use “ghost” as my nickname; I come and go, and people barely notice. If I sound egoistic, I suppose I am. But I’m not even expecting cards or stuff, just a good wish and maybe a smile. I guess I must have been a really lousy class-rep indeed.

While on the matter of getting “tao-ed”, I think things between me and ALG are starting to get cold. I’m under the impression its my fault, making fun of ALG like that and shooting my mouth off without thinking it through. Sigh, how dispiriting… From now on, I’ll have to pick my words REALLY carefully, especially since ALG made a direct threat against my personal safety. Sian, we used to be able to talk all sorts of nonsense together. *shakes head and rolls eyes*

Anyway, with spirits in an all time low, I’ll end my shortest blog post now, before I start getting too emo, rant and burst the blister on my thumb.



RARRRGH!! THE MELANCHOLY!!!